My New Home

This is kind of where I have been lately... it's cool very interesting:

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I hope that works.

Geeze... what's wrong with people? I have a (so called) friend that I care about and I just texted her and asked her Whats up... and the reply was "why?" ... wtf? 

I am so tired of one sided friendships and relationships... I want someone to think about me once in a while. I hate that other peoples trials and tribulations hurt me too... I am tired of feeling for other people... I am done with people.

I will just stay in my corner of the world and become antisocial and selfcentered and lazy just like everyother person I have ever encountered. Let it snow!

I am a bit on the ((heavy sigh)) blah side today. Remember the guy? The "I am too old for you" guy? Well, since I couldn't have him for a boyfriend I decided to keep him as a friend... I am not sure that is working out very well.... or maybe too well... It seems his old girlfriend, who lived with him for a year and left six months ago to play in her familys drama.... wants to come back. He has history with her and I have to keep reminding myself that we had already decided to not have a relationship before she came into the picture....
He and I spend hours on the phone and email and text.... he's sent me pictures of every important person in his life to me... he wants me involved in his life. He's told me everything about everyone and everything in  his life... and continues to share. He has told HER that he is taking my kids fishing this summer... she's not happy about that.... but she left him...  six months ago... and isn't back... yet.
I just know he's a person who is on the same wavelength as I am and all the things I know and love fit nicely with the things he knows and loves.... I haven't had a connection like this in almost 25 years... I am not anxious to give it up... even if he won't ever be my "boyfriend" ((for lack of a better word)), I still believe he has a place in my life. Maybe I am just wishful thinking... maybe I am just filling space in his life till she gets back. I hope not... time will tell, won't it?

  

Happy New Year....

Is it really? I pray it will be... last year kind of sucked.
I just wish I had someone whao cared about what I care about... someone who I could share my life with.... someone I could tell "I shoveled all the slushy snow from the walk and the driveway" and they would care and maybe tell me to make sure I wore my gloves to keep warm.... you know... someone who cares about me.... I hate it that I am not anyones radar....

I spent last night with the crazy hubby and the kids.... he was trying to be nice and act like a normal person, we ate chinese food and watched a movie and kissed at midnight...  but by the time afternoon rolled around he was yelling and screaming at me and the kids to hurry up and get out to the car....

Once again, I let my guard down relaxed and expected a normal relationship to appear out of thin air between him and I.... ((heavy sigh)) I really need a boyfriend all my own... someone who I can actually invest some emotion in and not have it come back and bite me in the ass...
 

Lonely Christmas

Well... the kids are having fun. They are out of school this week and we have intertwined work and play... do this chore and bake cookies.... do that chore and play a game.... and so on. The two kids I have guardianship of are with their mom this week and I only have the two I adopted.... man, is the house ever quiet. I can't think about it or I will cry. She called me and I could hear the baby in the background saying "I want my mom". I lost it and cried like a baby myself. She's not a little baby, she's going to be 2 the end of January and is saying more words everyday, she is just an amazing little girl.

Most of the boxes are unpacked, it was quite fun finding the christmas dishes and the crystal, I believe it has been packed for at least 3 years. With a unperdictable husband the first thing to pack away is the fine china.

Dinner with the new guy was nice, we laughed and talked and had a great time. He calls and emails me constantly but his old girlfriend who left him last summer to run off and "save" her daughter from her father has called him this week and told him she has decided she wants to come back.  She says she wants to "talk" to him about it... Its the story of my life... a day late and a dollar short. I haven't heard from him tonight so I am betting she has come back a day earlier than she said she was going to. Well... thats the end of that now, isn't it? We all know how that rolls... just a bit depressed tonight.

I bought myself a Christmas present; I ordered the blue ray 70th anniversery addition of Gone With the Wind.... and... it came with an instant digital movie that you can watch immediately. I watched half of it last night... so, now, I am going to finish watching it... maybe I will go and find a snack too... I got on the scale and I have lost 2 pounds this week... I better go eat something. I just don't think to eat when I am stressed or feeling out of sorts... or busy and this has been a week full of all of the above.

Good Night All

How to Escape

Even though I am out of the crazy mans house I feel responsible for him... why do I feel that way? I want to go on with my life and I feel I will just be stuck here.
I met a really nice guy who is into me; he's 5 years older than I am and he's secure and has his life together. He was raised well by his parents and wants to take me out to dinner. Please God, don't let the damage I have sustained show, just let it heal.. the scars shouldn't show too much. I dream of a normal guy and a normal life... it that too much to ask for? (He's handsome & 6' 3" tall, built well.... kind, respectful... and he called me smart... heavy sigh) He is really good for my ego.
Its kind of funny how my brain works to protect me. In a blink of an eye I had already worked out that this nice guy spent time with me, found me lacking and not worth the effort and was gone.... all before I have even gone out to dinner with him. Well... since it can't get any worse than that I will just relax and have a good time... pray for me... I haven't been out on a "date" in... eeegads... eons... I began dating that other guy in 1996... Crazy man and I didn't really date... (unless you want to call going out to dinner last week a date... where he forgot to bring money so we couldn't go to the movies?) we just moved in together... bad move; in defense of my actions it was only supposed to be temporary, I wasn't supposed to marry him. I probabloy wouldn't have if I wouldn't have been bullied so.

Should I feel Guilty?

After my my last divorce I felt so out of control of the direction my life had gone that all I did was box up everything I owned and left it there for 5 years until I was ready to deal with it. It was like therapy; with every box I went through and every item I either passed on, kept or threw away I delt with a memory or a time frame and threw out the emotional baggage that went with it.
I am finding I am not having that problem now, I am only taking with me what I want and leaving the rest... I was thinking about this the other day; I do not feel devestated that I will not have my kids dad in my life like I once did, I can live with the only contact being the kids. I am not sad or filled with regret, I don't cry when I think of him. I only feel relief that I am away from him and I feel free and lighter now that I am alone.
And being raised by my grandmother who always placed the weight of the world on her own shoulders and showed that example to me, makes me wonder if I should feel guilty because I am not sad about not being with this man who I vowed to love till death do us part....
I have been reading my al-anon book again and damaged crazy man is also a sober alcoholic who is not using program steps and all the things I have been doing are the emotional self-preservation steps to keeping my sanity and joy and I will not feel guilty for it!!

I have more beautiful things to think about than that!

Alcoholism (alcohol dependence) and alcohol abuse are two different forms of problem drinking.

• Alcoholism is when you have signs of physical addiction to alcohol and continues to drink, despite problems with physical health, mental health, and social, family, or job responsibilities. Alcohol may control your life and relationships.
• Alcohol abuse is when your drinking leads to problems, but not physical addiction.